It's taken me a long time to get to this decision so lets go back to the beginning. In November 2016 Joe and I found out we needed to move forward with IVF in order to grow our family. I started injections the end of January 2017, had nine eggs retrieved, all mature. We used the ICSI process to fertilize the eggs, by day 3 I had five embryos growing, by day 5 I had two. That's it...
It was a hard pill to swallow, but I kept telling myself to feel lucky it was two and not any at all. We went forward with a fresh embryo transfer and I prayed my second embryo would be strong enough on day 6 to freeze. My FET was unsuccessful, but my one last embryo was approved to be frozen. I took the month of March off from any fertility treatments because in all honesty my body was a mess and I was emotionally a mess. There are so many ups and downs to this whole process, it can really take a toll on you.
I was diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravidarum. Googles definition is severe morning sickness, I say bullshit. I can't even explain to you the suffering besides it must be what dying feels like. Imagine your worst possible hangover times a million that lasts for 40 weeks. I puked everyday for my entire pregnancy, but baby girl was so strong and I somehow ended up with a 9lb baby LOL!
As if getting pregnant and being pregnant wasn't hard enough I ended up having a crash emergency c-section due to a prolapsed cord. Grace was out in two minutes and as healthy as could be.
Fast Forward To January 2019
Grace is now one years old. Joe and I have no idea if we want to go through IVF again to have another child, but decide to go through testing again to see where we stand and go from there. The end of March we have a scheduled appointment with our doctor to go over all the testing. She starts saying all of Joe's test results came back normal. If you're new around here, HI!, we went through fertility treatments due to male factor.
I start to say that's funny because I missed my period this month, but never really thought anything of it. She made me take a urine test, I was pregnant. How ironic, my fertility doctor was the one to tell me we got pregnant on our own. The relief we felt was an understatement. This was our chance for it to just be easy! We knew we wanted one more child, but with everything I had been through I just wasn't sure I could do it all again.
Unfortunately we found out in April the baby stopped growing. It was probably one of the worst days of my life. I have a lot of anger towards the situation. Why would this even happen at all if it just wasn't going to work out. It's something that still rattles my thoughts.
Today
Within the past week I have found as much peace as I think I can with this entire journey. I'm still sad, but in an accepting way. Because Joe's tests results came back normal we qualify for IUI now. It was actually something we planned on doing this month and I just decided I can't do it anymore.
I'm not saying the struggle and journey isn't worth another baby, or a baby at all. I'm saying for my own physical and mental health I just can't do it. I'm not giving up, I'm just choosing to live in the moment of now. I want to cherish the moments I have with my beautiful daughter and not be focused on the schedule of pills and injections. I don't want to ride the emotional roller coaster so I'm choosing to get off.
I'm choosing to live a life with my husband and daughter that we have always dreamed of. I'm choosing to put them first and if God, Mother Nature, The Universe, whatever you believe in, decides to bless us with another baby then that is what's meant to be.
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