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Tuesday, April 23, 2019

I Am 1 in 4

I am 1 in 4.

To say the last month has been the most exciting and awful couple of weeks would be an understatement. Joe and I met with our fertility doctor back in January to just start testing and give us some time to really figure out what we wanted to do. At our appointment in March to get all of our results I found out I was pregnant. That’s right, we got pregnant all on our own.

My beta results came back at 12,756 and I was scheduled to have my first ultrasound five days later. We were so excited, but to be honest I was equally as nervous. You hear about it happening to couples after going through fertility treatments, but I NEVER thought we would be one of the lucky ones.

My ultrasound wasn’t perfect, but also wasn’t bad. The baby was measuring six days behind, but I was assured I probably just ovulated later than expected. I had to wait a torturous thirteen days to have another ultrasound. The back and forth in my head was crippling, I Googled way too much. When the day came for my second ultrasound I was very nervous, but excited too. I kept repeating over and over, this was our time, it was finally all working out for us. The ultrasound tech was quiet, something you never want in this situation. That’s when she said "it looks like the baby hasn't grown since your last scan."

The baby never grew past 6 weeks 3 days, in fact when I missed my period in March I really never thought anything of it. We were told so many times during our IVF process that we would probably never get pregnant on our own, so I never even tested at home. By the time I was tested at the fertility center the baby had already stopped growing, we just didn’t know it yet.

I feel like this is a sick joke and for some reason I am being pushed way past my limits. Why would this happen to us, as if we haven’t suffered enough already?! To have the excitement of getting pregnant with no fertility treatment and to have it taken all away makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs.

Last Thursday I had a D&C because my body just never let the baby go, they call it a silent miscarriage. I’m not sure I ever cried so hard in my life when the doctor started to reassure me I didn’t cause this. I had no physical signs of a miscarriage, I even had pregnancy symptoms until I had the surgery.

I’m emotionally drained, some days I’m okay and others I ball my eyes out while doing everyday tasks like emptying the dishwasher, driving, or showering. I have never felt a pain like this and I pray I never do again. It's like I'm in a fog, I keep going over the events in my head just trying to find a reason this would all happen. We have sacrificed and suffered so much, it's just so cruel.

I want to thank each and everyone of you for always being so kind and supportive in our journey. It’s because of this amazing community that I feel so comfortable in sharing my struggle and have never once felt alone in it all. I am choosing to accept that being sad is okay and hoping with each passing day it will somehow get a little easier.

For some reason this is my journey. It's ugly, hard, down right unfair, but I'm hoping some day it will all make sense. That somehow it will all come together and I'll have that "Ah-Ha" moment.

If you are struggling I hope my story helps you feel a little less alone in it all. I am here if you ever need someone to vent to!


  1. I too suffered a slight miscarriage and I'm still not over it found out the day after Christmas my poor baby stopped growing at 7 weeks �� Stil think about when the doctor told me we can't hear a heartbeat ��

    1. I am so sorry that happened to you. It takes a lot of courage to share such a heartbreaking event. Wishing you all the best ♥️

  2. I am so sorry this happened to you. Your are one strong lady. Here for you as well if you need to talk.

  3. Thank you so much! That means a lot

  4. Thank you so much for sharing. I'm struggling with infertility and nobody seems to understand. It's like a silent pain...


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